The Beaver Pond

We all know the economy is in a shambles. One in ten people that want work can’t find a job. The government passed a $700B stimulus package to create jobs, but where are they?

There is another, more troubling crisis plaguing our country: Actors are squandering any artistic credibility they have by doing shampoo commercials and voice over work for credit card companies.

I have a plan that will solve BOTH important crises. It’s a piece of legislation, called the “Helping Americans Land Jobs in Television” Act, or HALJIT (every good piece of legislation needs an irritating acronym).

How would this bill work? It’s simple – it would prohibit actors, musicians, professional athletes and other celebrities from doing advertising work, while at the same time mandating that unemployed machinists, truckers, carpenters, and road pavers be given those jobs instead.

“Whoa, there, wait a minute,” you might say. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.”

This is a natural reaction. But after reading this simple overview, you will be eager to press your Congressional representatives into supporting this legislation.

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Q: The government’s job is not to pick winners and losers. What will happen to all the actors after the government robs them of their livelihoods?

A: Seriously? Jennifer Aniston has $110M in the bank. Does she really need to do another L’Oreal commercial? Shouldn’t she focus her energies on trying to nail down a husband?

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Q: Those actors deserve the money they make from doing commercials, because they are the most talented and qualified for the job.

A: Really? If the commercial calls for someone to stand around and look like an insufferable douche bag all the time, I suppose you can hire Ashton Kutcher like Nikon did. But if the commercial actually needs to convince someone to buy a product, an ungroomed homeless person will perform as well or perhaps better.

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Q: What if I’m a Republican and disagree with all new ideas?

A: I don’t like change either. But are you sure you really want to go out of your way to protect a bunch of preachy, tree-hugging, whale-kissing, gay-marrying, fur-hating, liberal sissies in Hollywood? Of course you don’t. What better way to stick it to them than to support this bill?

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Q: I don’t agree with this bill because it impairs individual freedom.

A: No it doesn’t.

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Q: What will happen to Morgan Freeman?

A: It’s time for Morgan Freeman to be put in a nursing home. Like everyone else, I thought he was splendid in The Shawshank Redemption. But 15 years later, I’ve grown tired of his sagacious grandpa voice tricking me into using VISA cards, or flying to Vancouver, or whatever the hell he was trying to get me to do this past week (I kept falling asleep).

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Q: What is your least favorite commercial/actor combo?

A: It has to be Kiefer Sutherland’s “This Is America” voice-over’s for Bank of America. Jack Bauer is supposed to be protecting this country from terrorists, not helping them. What’s yours?

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Q: Will there be any loopholes in this bill?

A: Yes. Tom Skerrit will be allowed to continue doing Advil commercials. The goal of the program is to help people who are down on their luck, worn down by life, and can’t find work elsewhere. Tom Skerrit meets all of these requirements.

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